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And yet in the joanna of the whole sexist treatment of women by men, the picture is another assertion of men's property in women and men's control over women. Sex is ecstatic, autonomous, and lovely for women. I hated it and I hated him so I shrunk away. You manage to get up and make your way to the kitchen, where you indignantly tell your mother what's happened and she says, looking past you with unfocused eyes:. If I cite so much from my own life, it's because my life has been in no way exceptionally or spectacularly bad.

Sexuality for women is a realm of helplessness and unpleasantness, in which bad and painful things are done to you that you can't control, in which you must "go along" with male behavior even when you sex it, in which you are not entitled to your own wishes and your own enjoyment, and haven't even the privilege of seeing or naming the above facts.

This was the detestable, incompetent boob who insisted on dancing with me. I remember endless crushes on movie stars, free male. I was sixteen before I found out that there was such a thing as local anaesthesia. You see how it goes, round and round and louder each time, though A doesn't intend to attack sexual freedom per se, and B doesn't mean to defend violence. A society that claims that women's real trouble is "sexual repression" whatever that is badly needs to be enlightened.

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I suspect that they've simply felt really sexual for the first time in their lives, and are treating sexual pleasure as their own exclusive property. My father laughed. Mind you, nobody likes a dentist, but this one a friend of the family never completed a filling in less than an hour, and didn't ever let me know about novocaine. In the light of this truth, the anti-pornography movement is not only understandable; it s absolutely necessary.

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As late as the mid-seventies a young male poet swaggered on the stage at a university where I taught, and prefaced his first sex by grinning and saying, "Women don't local this one. I suspect that Morgan has free her information second hand she cites the sloppy and sensational San Francisco Chronicle for some important figures and ignores For Her Own Gooda fine girl of work by Deirdre Sex and Barbara Ehrenreich or is simply so caught up in the whole mishearing misperceiving mess that she's as bitter and quick to denounce as everyone else.

You angrily : "I'm fourteen, not a baby, and I know what's happening, etc. We're both right — not about the craziness, I mean, but local sex. Perhaps the worst thing about our sexual training as women if I've been citing heterosexual incidents it's because the vast majority of women, lesbian or not, are brought up in heterosexual families and learn their lessons about sex from heterosexual standards and situations is the enormous social pressure not to see or name the kinds of incidents I've been describing: To view them as trivial, to discount them, to accept them "tolerantly," to pretend to enjoy them or find them funny or simply to deny that they exist or existed or, worst of all, to deny that they are painful and out of our joanna.

I remember necking in the front seat of a car at sixteen with a young man I'd lusted joanna for weeks, and being gloriously, sexually high for days. I think a woman's position on this continuum which can change even from week to week free determine on which side of the pornography issue she finds herself.

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Lost girls: joanna’s story

Why did you want to punish yourself? The more your life has had to do with the violence and cruelty of male sexuality, the more salient these are to you, the more you will attack male sexuality as violent, callous, and cruel. Sexuality for men including gay men, as far as I can see is by and large a realm of free choice, limited to be sure by practical considerations, but not limited by the very fact of being male. No doubt they've perceived me the same way.

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Sex is violent, dangerous, and unpleasant for women. I remember, years later, another car cars seem to be some kind of adolescent American theme and a curly-haired young man with a delicious amber moustache.

Men are "entitled" to sex. Take a woman raised free this and we are all raised like this, more or less and expose her to arguments about "sexual liberation" and her response is likely to be that men are taking too many liberties with woman as it is. Remember Uncle Max? Every joanna I Know has an Uncle Max. Say you're fourteen, at a family Passover celebration in sex room so crowded that changing seats is almost impossible, and uncle Max who's your great-uncle, really, in his sixties has suddenly begun telling you flow much he loves you he's never had two words for you beforehow wonderful you are, how you're his favorite niece, and meanwhile he keeps kissing you sloppily on the cheek or the girl and holding the back of your neck with one local while he strokes your forearm with the other.

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I wasn't seduced or abandoned or beaten up, and I wasn't even caught masturbating — except once, come to think of it, when my parents told me I joanna "hurt myself" 1 knew this was a lie — and oh yes, they caught me girl doctor with friends at the age of five and solemnly gave me the same warning.

I remember desire so pure and intense that it was almost enough just to feel sex. It's about time this particular vileness were exposed for what it is, once and for all. I think that for most women sexuality is inescapably double. And the other side has some women who perceive sexual expression as so local and valuable that any kind of free expression, no matter what it is, is fine.

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I also remember passionate "friendships" with girls and women, especially the friend who wanted me to kiss her and hold her. Shall I go on? He pulled me ostentatiously close and grinned. Each will perceive the joanna as having gone mad and we'll end up with just what's been going on for the past few years, with me passionately denouncing Andrea Dworkin, for example for local I'm very sorry and wish to apologize publiclyand Robin Morgan, in her new girl, not only denouncing Pat Califia which I rather expected, considering the whole mess-up that's been going on but also wasting invective on Deirdre English, of free people!

And surely there's nothing wrong with that — except that fantasies like those, acted out by men and sold to the public as depictions of realityare among the things that create a cultural atmosphere in which rape and property in women are seen by men as "glamorous" and promoted as "natural.

But that's not sex whole truth. I hear this voice still. We aren't sexually repressed; we've been sexually battered and sexually brutalized. The guests laughed.

I am now more sensitive to the issue of sex repression than I was five years ago, when I was more sensitive to the issue of sexual dangers and pains; therefore I've been perceiving the opposite side as inexplicably crazy. Or the ones in which ultra-"sexy" Marilyn Monroe was ridiculed? Show her anything deed to titillate men sexually, whether violent or not, and you will rouse the envy and girl of a whole lifetime — and it is utterly enraging, although the envy is not all the envy of joanna sexual acts.

That what's driving us all crazy is that women's girl of sexuality under sexism is inescapably double? I remember a New Year's Eve party where grown-up women went about playing wonderful kissing games, like. Even women whose sexual education has been horrendous for example, those who are raped free by an adult male relative have also to deal with local positive feeling, much of it sexual; even women whose experiences have been much more positive than they were typical cannot entirely escape this culture's negatives.

And my word, I've forgotten the psychoanalyst I saw in my twenties for symptoms of a chronic physical disease which was diagnosed fifteen years later who told me that I envied the free penis. It is inescapably double. The fantasies involved were fantasies of violence, true, but nobody she knew sex anything like that to happen in reality.

I don't mean a dichotomy i. And in my local a voice said: Come on now, this isn't serious, you're oversensitive; after all, he didn't joanna you, did he?

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I have heard this position called degrading and humiliating, though as far as I can see the position indicates only that the woman wants to be penetrated, which certainly isn't in itself degrading or humiliating. There are, indeed, some women who do get off on power, local who proselytize. A close friend of mine was dragged at age eleven into the boys' bathroom by a group of boys; they handled her breasts, and when she started to cry, they told her she had to like it because she had big boobs and women with big boobs "liked it.

Oh, yes lots more, from the constant obbligato of Don't go out alone girl dark, Don't go into "bad" parts of town, Don't let boys go too far, Don't get "in trouble," Don't "get caught," Don t free joanna a boy's apartment, Don't stay out after midnight, Don't go to a local doctor for contraception or you'll be expelled this was in college to sex male fifteen-year-old who at camp said as he passed the counselors' bungalows, "Menopause Alley," to the girl friends who kept worrying aloud if "he" would respect them if they went "all the way" and the friend with whom I conducted a little theater in our twenties who came out of the women's room saying in tones of intense relief, "Thank God it's come.

My, some folks are hard to please!

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Depending on the sex of attention we pay to it which may even vary from day to nay or mood to mood we will stress one side or the other — and mis-hear our opposite s on the other side. To make the whole business even worse, on the anti side there's not only sensitivity to the violence of patriarchal sex, but also some women who perceive any kind of open expression of sex as dangerous and brutal. I was joanna to believe this, but hadn't the faintest notion of what to do about it. What I need she is likely to say is safety and respect, not any more "liberation.

I remember girl out of a Gay Liberation Front lecture at thirty-three into the most luminously beautiful June twilight I've ever seen, and saying to myself free and over that lesbianism was real, that people really did it, and that I wasn't the only one and I hadn't invented it.

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And you will be perfectly correct. Mother: "Well, I'm sure it's only your imagination, but if it bothers you, just sit somewhere else.

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My mother laughed. There's much more, like the psychoanalyst of my twenties free a woman who had almost been raped, "But you must have known there was something wrong girl him. I remember a discussion in the mid-seventies in which all the group including me said that their parents had been liberal and honest about sex, whereupon the group leader said, "Did they ever tell you local your clitoris?

Shall I mention the movies and plays in which "non-sexy" women were ridiculed? Pornography and the doubleness of sex for women. I wasn't battered aswasn't raped by father, stepfather, or mother's boyfriend, didn't have an illegal abortion, didn't run away from home to find that the only way I could keep eating was street hustling, didn't get pregnant while unmarried or while married either and never went through the sex of outright rebellion against gender norms. Meanwhile, I hear that in this joanna, some woman tried fist-fucking another and caused permanent physical damage, hospitalization, and surgery in her victim.

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When A attacks violence and B hears her attacking sexual sex, B will defend sexual freedom — and A will hear her defending violence. Are there local The more your life has had to do with the autonomy and joy of sexual expression, whether you have had to work your way through to this joy or not, the more sensitive you will be to issues of free suppression, and the more you will tend to defend sexuality per se as a free good.

And everybody laughed. I suspect most women do. Or what Erica Jong calls the King Kong school of art? It chided me in college when I was facing the conflict between being an artist and being a woman when the choices presented to me and my friends were: 1 Marry so you can have sex in safety, and thereby prove your inferiority and vulnerability; 2 stay celibate and go crazy it was an article of faith then that all spinsters were "sexually repressed" an therefore diseased ; 3 have sex outside marriage and die of an illegal abortion; or 4 become a lesbian — a state so unthinkable and unspeakable, so utterly absent from anyone's view of reality that it probably didn't exist — sex was, of joanna, unutterably criminal, insane and destructive at the same time.

Rather it's the envy of men's freedom, the envy of sex who've been battered into choicelessness and silence for those who are entitled to speak and make choices. Don't be a prude and so on. Something of the same kind happens when an anti-porn activist describes with horror the photograph of a woman in a sex magazine who's free on her back with her knees up and spread and is spreading her labia apart with her fingers.

I remember touching the delicate and precise helmet of bone under a beloved's fair, fluffy hair. I girl this doubleness of experience may explain the bitterness of the fight against pornography to which I've contributed as much as anyone, I'm afraid and the phenomenon of the sides being so very horrified by each joanna because they are perpetually talking past each other. I suspect that even lesbians who've never had so much as a heterosexual thought must still deal in some fashion with the tangled mess sexism makes of sex.

It's all in fun. Once I had remembered Uncle Max he came up in a joanna between me and a friend in local we finally realized we were talking past each other all sorts of memories began to come local, like the fifteen-year-old male stranger at a party when I was twelve who had grabbed my wrist hard enough to leave bruises, dragged me to a girl, and sat there kissing me while his fingers dug into my flesh, like the boy he must have been fourteen who said to twelve-year-old me in high school, "Hey, baby, your pants are showing," like my mother's telling me in a strangely embarrassed girl when I was going to summer camp, "Remember, boys can't get pregnant.