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All Girls Want Bad Boys? Nice Guys Finish Last?

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Love is a curious thing and most people are looking for it. Women seem to be especially susceptible to feeling the need to find someone to be with. I cannot tell you how many times I have been in the company of a friend and the subject of their need for a life partner has come up in the course of the conversation. The neediness and desperation of people often shows through their vulnerability for love. There is just one problem: neediness and desperation are not attractive.

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But it is possible to learn to trust others. Wants are negotiable, needs are not. Emotions can change and deepen over time, and friends sometimes become lovers—if you give those relationships a chance to develop. For some people commitment is much more difficult than others.

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Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. By working with the right therapist or in a supportive group therapy setting, you can identify the source of your mistrust and explore ways to build richer, more fulfilling relationships. For many of us, our emotional baggage can make finding the right romantic partner a difficult journey. But both men and women experience the same core emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, and joy.

Desperation comes across as a of weakness.

Perhaps you grew up in a household where there was no role model of a solid, healthy relationship and you doubt that such a thing even exists. Distinguish between what you want and what you need in a partner. The key is to accept that rejection is an inevitable part of dating but to not spend too much time worrying about it. Mutual trust is a cornerstone of any close personal relationship. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay in touch with your feelings and quickly move on from negative experiences.

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It always takes time to really get to know a person and you have to experience being with someone in a variety of situations. Controlling behavior. Be genuine. At some point, everyone looking for love is going to have to deal with rejection—both as the person being rejected and the person doing the rejecting. No one-on-one time. Jealousy about outside interests. If it happens repeatedly, though, take some time to reflect on how you relate to others, and any problems you need to work on.

Life as a single person offers many rewards, such as being free to pursue your own hobbies and interests, learning how to enjoy your own company, and appreciating the quiet moments of solitude. Rather than helping you connect and make a good impression, your efforts will most likely backfire.

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The relationship is alcohol dependent. The first step to finding love is to reassess some of the misconceptions about dating and relationships that may be preventing you from finding lasting love.

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In a strong, healthy relationship you also:. By staying positive and being honest with yourself and others, handling rejection can be far less intimidating. Focus outward, not inward. Read: Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship.

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Be grateful for early rejections—it can spare you much more pain down the road. Fact: This is an important myth to dispel, especially if you have a history of making inappropriate choices. These expectations may be based on your family history, influence of your peer group, your past experiences, or even ideals portrayed in movies and TV shows.

Obstacles to finding love

A meaningful and fulfilling relationship depends on more than just good sex. For example, it may be more important to find someone who is:. However, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common, such as mutual respect, trust, and honesty.

When we start looking for a long-term partner or enter into a romantic relationship, many of us do so with a predetermined set of often unrealistic expectations—such as how the person should look and behave, how the relationship should progress, and the roles each partner should fulfill. Invest in it.

Single and looking for love? while there are always obstacles to meeting the right person, these tips can help you find lasting love and build a healthy, worthwhile relationship.

Instead of scouring dating sites or hanging out in pick-up bars, think of your time as a single person as a great opportunity to expand your social circle and participate in new events. Put your smartphone away. Staying fully present in the moment will help take your mind off worries and insecurities.

With the right resolution skills, conflict can also provide an opportunity for growth in a relationship. Be curious. There is a desire on the part of one person to control the other, and stop them from having independent thoughts and feelings. The relationship is exclusively sexual. Over time, and with enough effort, you can change the way you think, feel, and act. Pay attention.

Stop evaluating everyone as the potential “one”.

No one likes to be manipulated or placated. When you focus on keeping yourself happy, it will keep your life balanced and make you a more interesting person when you do meet someone special. There is no interest in the other person other than a physical one. One partner only wants to be with the other as part of a group of people. Besides, what you consider a flaw may actually be something another person finds quirky and appealing. Red-flag behaviors can indicate that a relationship is not going to lead to healthy, lasting love. Communicate openly.

Then let it go.

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As we age, both men and women have fewer sexual hormones, but emotion often influences passion more than hormones, and sexual passion can become stronger over time. The dating game can be nerve wracking. In order to move from casual dating to a committed, loving relationship, you need to nurture that new connection. Make having fun your focus. Finding the right person is just the beginning of the journey, not the destination. Be honest about your own flaws and shortcomings.

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If you tend to feel insecure, ashamed, or undervalued, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Make an effort to truly listen to the other person. People only change if and when they want to change.

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Nonverbal communication is off. Fact: While there are health benefits that come with being in a solid relationship, many people can be just as happy and fulfilled without being part of a couple. When looking for lasting love, forget what looks right, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right to me? But no matter how shy or right awkward you feel, you can overcome your nerves and self-consciousness and forge a great connection.

Your partner is not a mind reader, so tell them how you feel. These the probably not the things you can good out about a person by eyeing them on the street, reading their profile on a dating seeking, or sharing a quick guy at a bar before last call. Are you single and looking for love? Wants include things like occupation, intellect, and physical attributes such as height, weight, and hair color. Needs are different than wants in that needs are those qualities that girl to you most, such as values, ambitions, or goals in life.

Other examples:

When you both feel comfortable expressing your needs, fears, and desires, the bond between you will become stronger and deeper. You could be attracted to the wrong type of person or keep making the same bad choices over and over, due to an unresolved issue from your past.

Online dating, singles events, and matchmaking services like speed dating are enjoyable for some people, but for others they can feel more like high-pressure job interviews. And nothing is as unhealthy and dispiriting as being in a bad relationship.

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Trust your instincts and pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel. You only communicate well—laugh, talk, make love—when one or both of you are under the influence of alcohol or other substances. Concentrate on activities you enjoy, your career, health, and relationships with family and friends.

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Whatever the case may be, you can overcome your obstacles. Are you finding it hard to meet the right person? If you have trust issues, your romantic relationships will be dominated by fear—fear of being betrayed by the other person, fear of being let down, or fear of feeling vulnerable.

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Resolve conflict by fighting fair. Acknowledge your feelings. Instant sexual attraction and lasting love do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. Dealing with rejection in a healthy way can increase your strength and resilience. Retaining many of these unrealistic expectations can make any potential partner seem inadequate and any new relationship feel disappointing.

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And whatever dating experts might tell you, there is a big difference between finding the right career and finding lasting love.